Out with the Bad

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts?

I feel that way right now.

I can't express my feelings, because I already know he doesn't feel the same, and I wouldn't want what little friendship we have to be strained anymore than it is.

When ever I see him, it's like my throat swells, because my body is making sure that I don't speak what is on my mind...

How long can I go on like this?

If he reads this, what will his reaction be? Will he even know it's him that I speak of?

I don't know why I feel this way...

He hasn't been around much since I blurted my feelings to him the first time, but he's going to our church now, and I see him at least twice a week.

When ever he's gone, I feel like I'm not in love with him, but I know it's a lie as soon as I see him face to face.

I'm terrified...

I don't want to scare him away again, but how can I stop these damn feelings?

I need help.

Everyone seems to be interested in my day to day activities, so... Here it goes. Try not to fall asleep.

I get up anywhere between 7:00 am and 9:00 am. Some times sooner, sometimes later... I get up, use the bathroom, wash my face, then eat a piece of fruit.

After my sleep-induced head ache goes away I do 6-8 hours of school work:

-Latin
-English
-Science
-History
-Math
-P.E.
-Art
-Bible

When I'm done with school work (usually between 1:00 pm and 3:00 pm), I eat lunch and see what's on TV. If there's nothing on TV, I go and sit at the computer, posting bulletins on Myspace.

Between 4:00 om and 7:00 pm, I eat dinner, then either watch TV or a movie, or get back on the computer. Sometimes, I read, draw, practice my instruments, or sleep.

On Fridays, I clean the entire house.

On the weekends, I'm bored out of my mind because I have no social life and don't get invited anywhere... >.>

Well... WAKE UP!!!

I'm done.

It's been months since I updated, so I thought I would let everyone know that I am alive...

My life is... tolerable. Everyday, I feel more inclined to leave. I need money, and wheels first. I'd also prefer to graduate before vanishing onto the road.

I wonder what it's like to live somewhere where you're actually... Happy to be there.

Don't worry. I'm not depressed. It's more that I'm tired than anything. I know I don't belong here. There's something else for me and I'm rearing to go find it.

So much has changed in my life in such a short time. We have a new youth pastor who I am just now beginning to love, our pastor is moving to California (his last Sunday was the 29th), my brother is getting married in a couple of weeks and will move to Africa permanently before August. And to top it all off, we put my dog to sleep this morning.

Nicky was old, and it was her time to go; but that doesn't make it any easier. We've had her since she was a puppy. Now, my house is empty. I will for serious be all by myself during the day from now on.
Oh how I miss my kitties!!! Maybe I'll have another in due time...

As you can see, I'm not completely torn apart by the death of my dog. There isn't a reason to be. I learned a little while ago that getting upset over animals when they pass away, or just run away, is pointless. You shouldn't cry over your dead dog more than you do over your son moving half way around the world (that's what my dad is doing).

So... This is to you, Nicky. You were a great dog, and I will miss you, but if you are anywhere in an after life, it is probably better than being here.

I went to build-a-bear for my birthday party. I could only take two people, otherwise everyone would have been over at my house. I'm thinking I might have a party this summer...

I have the Happy Feet soundtrack! Woo! It's got a bunch of old songs I love. Also, I redid my hair again and this time it is as pink as it would be if it were spray in paint. It isn't washing out either. Hoorah!

I stayed up till 2:00 am that night, to finish my painting. I got up at 7:00am to straighten my hair and get ready. We left a few minutes before 9:00 am and went to DABBs so I could see everyone there. I stayed until a few minutes after 10:00 am, then had to leave because my dad was waiting in the car and didn't want to stay. We got back home and watched the movie, Stranger than Fiction. After that, I continued through out the day doing random things to try and stay awake. My mom ordered pizza for dinner. I stayed up, cleaning where I had been painting for the last couple of weeks, until about 11:15 pm and my birthday was over because I went to bed.

It's my birthday!

I'm working on a painting. It's an image from the Bible. Specifically, Daniel Chapter 7. The four beasts at the beginning of the chapter. Nothing else to report, really. I'm kind of sad. My best friend's grandfather died and we don't know for sure if he was saved. To be blunt... I hope he is not in Hell...

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything. So, I suppose I can catch everyone up with what's been going on.

We finally got our new youth pastor at the church. His name is John King and he seems harmless enough. I don't really know what to make of him, actually. I think I'm going through a phase where I'll hate someone for one instant, then love them the next. It feels weird. Maybe I just need more sleep...

Second, I got my hair highlighted pink. Yeah, it washed out, but I didn't want it to. It stayed pink for a couple of days, then it went away. I need permanent dye, but I can't find it in pink.

My dad got a job at Movie Gallery. We get three free rentals at a time, and we can get another as soon as we take one back. We get to see the new releases a whole week before they are available to the public. We can't get the new ones until after thirty days once they come out, but that's still pretty freakin' sweet...

I have the original, animated Hobbit movie! WOO!

I'm trying to do more realistic art work, mostly animals (of course), but I do my share of stuff from the bible. That book has some great ideas for the aspiring artist. I'm working on doing more big painting type works.

My dog has cancer. A ginormous tumor on her butt told us so. Also, she's starting to loose hair, you can't tell because it's so long, ut we're finding clumps on the carpet. We'll have to put her to sleep soon.

My brother's getting married in May (if you didn't know that) and I'm going to be a bride's maid!!!! Woo! I have to wear a dress... But we get to spend a week in California, because that's where Angela's (the bride) family lives. After they get married, they'll come stay here for about two months, then go back to Africa to stay. Forever.

I don't know if I already posted about this, but we gave away all of my cats. I miss them bunches. Every time someone leaves a jacket or something on the couch arm, I see it in my peripheral vision and think it's Fluffy. So, I ruffle it, just like I would Fluffy's fur, and say "Fat Cat Fluffy!!!". Then I realize that it's not her and become very depressed....

I'm almost done with my school work for the year. Woohoo for homeschool! But I miss the lunch table. We use to have such good times. And DABBS. I miss DABBS. I went to Winter Jams (a christian concert) about a week or so ago; I saw Travis, but we didn't get to talk. I miss you, Julie!!!

Well, that's pretty much it. If there are any other aspects in my life you would like to know about, just ask.

I can actually crochet. I'm making a scarf! Woo!

Secuela is this Saturday. It will be great to see everyone! Then, the next day is our Christmas with Daniel and Angela. They leave Monday, you know? I'll be sad to see them go. I want to go with them, really. Oh well. Christmas is just a couple of weeks away, and my dad still hasn't brought out the decorations. We got some candy canes, though! I put them on our fake, already with lights, christmas tree. Aren't the Holidays great?

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God, it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel?
That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul
becomes initialized
and folded up like paper dolls and
little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in,
describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real,
so much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
contaminating everything
We thought came from the heart,
But never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(no more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember its just different from
what you've seen.

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh God, it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

And it's the stars
The stars that shine for you
And it's the stars
The stars that lie to you

Who are the stars?
Who are the stars?
They lie...

First of all, I spent the weekend at my grandparents' house in southern Alabama. While I was there, my cousin let me mess with his bow and arrow. Not only was I pretty descent at hitting the target... It was a BLAST! Then, my grandma took us to see Happy Feet. So, now I wanna learn to tap dance. Mumble is like the coolest dude ever. Happy Feet was a very inspirational movie. It had good music too. So, I want a bow and some arrows. I also wanna tap dance. Does anyone know how to tap dance?

I feel like I have a purpose now. Use to be, I'd see things like animal cruelty and rape and suicide. I'd be like... That shouldn't happen. I was against it, but I didn't feel motivated to speak up about it. Now, I see things and I feel like I can make a difference. So, I'm gonna try to.I want people to know the gritty facts about abortion. I want people to see what happens to animals and get mad about it. I want my life to make a difference in the world, even if that difference fades away after I'm gone. I don't want Jesus to come back any more. I now pray for just one more day to maybe save someone else from what awaits them in the afterlife. I want people to know that I am a JESUS FREAK!

I'm not running my life anymore. It seems like I just do what I'm told and move with everyone else. I feel like I'm dead. It's finally cold, but it didn't make me happy for very long. I love the cold. I wake up to frost on the windows, and I'm like.... CHRISTMAS! 'Cept it's Halloween time, which is awesome. I don't know what I have to do to feel alive again. I read a book by C. S. Lewis, and it excited me. How could the simple human mind create such wondrous worlds. It made me happy. I think I'm going to start writing a book... again. Many failed attempts could lead to a revolution of good ideas. I plan on using quotes from my new favorite book.

I was having one of those on-off days, you know? The ones where you can be having a great time one second, and then wishing everyone around you was dead the next. My day ended good when I spent over an hour with Miranda in Art Club. That was fun, and Mr. Screws is awesome! Then... I came home. My mom is still in a sour mood. I'm just getting a bad vibe from her. I don't know what to do about it. Impulse is to give her a hug, but I don't think she wants me to hug her. What do I do? She seems negative every time I try to talk to her. It's one of those conversation where one person wants it to end and is smothering it with hatred, while the other person actually cares and wants to make things work. I wonder if she's ever going to get over it...

I was having strange and enticing dreams last night. They continued to play in my head as I returned to consciousness. I did not want to get up, but I had to. Now... The dreams are gone.

I feel better than I have for a few days. I went to church last night, and I actually sang loud enough for people to hear me. That's a big deal. I usually can't even talk very loud, let alone sing. I'm going to send messages to my friends, explaining why I want to do homeschooling. I hope they understand. I really do want this, but I will miss them so much!

If you know who I am, then you should continue to read this. If not... then I really don't care.


I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes it seems like I'm on auto pilot. I'm starting home-school, and my friends don't want me to. I want to tell them that I do want to. The only way I could stay in public school is if God will take my stupid anxiety away. Other wise, I'm miserable. I'm invisible. Even my closest friends don't notice me sometimes. I don't want to live in agony anymore. I'm starting home-school. I'll miss my friends, and many other things, but I can't stay. I'm not strong enough.

Eloienai